Be ok

I've just got a haircut and my hair is short. Not boy cut short but it hasn't been this short since secondary. Mum was shock cause i never did like my hair short. I must say that I miss my longer hair already but no regrets, it'll grow. And it's probably for the better since I've been having lots of hair fall lately. To the extend where the hairstylist said I have little hair, which never happens. Must be due to the stress. Being stressed up sucks. Pimples, grey hair and hair loss; its ridiculous.

Trials is in less than two weeks. Still haven't touched physics. Thank God for the fact that I wouldn't have further maths to worry about for now.

I'm so said on hiatus from Facebook and twitter. Hopefully this would help.

Off to do my econs data. Must resist the temptation to refer to the marking scheme. Resist. Resist. Resist.

Confession date ; June 16.

What the hell have I gotten myself into -_-'

And so it's March already

Fat February came and go. February started of harsh, and I won't be forgetting that day anything soon but it ended pretty well.

Last weekend was perhaps the best I've had this year. Both days well spent with my YES loved ones. Saturday started of with me waking up, rushing to get ready and then reaching klcc to attend the education talk with TF. After that, we stayed to throw a suprise party for Shafiq.

"You guys, something important is happening next week!" "Really? what?" "come on, guess. it's really special" "oh, you're taking your IELTS?" "noo!!" "err, TF results coming out?" "no! it's on the 8th! It's a special date. even people in california knows" "huhhh? really? idk laa" *long pause* "it's my birthday laaa" "oh, really?" LOL

"it's really good!" "what?" "my pie!!" *outburst of laughter* "does it come with curry or dhal?" LOLLLLLLL

After dinner, we chilled at the park till it started drizzling. then we decided to head to Pavillion for a karaoke session. Ended up chilling at Starbucks. and when Starbucks closed, we roamed the streets of Bukit Bintang. Ohh, that was an amazing day and I wouldn't change a thing about that day.

Sunday ; banana leaf rice at Vishal for brunch with the guys. and then we headed to Lakeside for the Annual AGM. Met few others there which was amazing. Met CY too and we had a major catch up session. I miss staying over at her place during weekends back in Charlotte. I'm so happy for her. I told her about my 'thing' and she was kept telling me to give it a shot. GAHHHHHHHHHHH WHY AM I NOT BRAVE ENOUGH?!?!! I want to tell you so badly but I'm so afraid that you don't feel the same and well, we wouldn't have what we have now anymore which would suck even more. But then there's the side of me that would say, "how would I know if I don't try."

It kills me how everytime someone asked 'the' questions, I'd always have to say no and laugh so that it wouldn't be so obvious. From the senior to my classmates to our friends and to my mum. I yearn for the day where I'll actually be able to say yes to the question, or where we would answer the questions with a yes. Nevertheless, I should stop dreaming.

Trials is in two weeks. I haven't touched Physics at all = I'm screwed. I'm loving Matrix, so far that is which is said to be crazy of me by others. Full marks for the previous math test (it's nothing but I just had to, just to give myself a well-done tap on the shoulder). oh wells, life.

A message from a friend during NYE 2011 :

"hey joey!! since 2011 is about to end, just wanna share something with u. maybe this is so random, but yeah youre such an awesome girl. we talked so often in US so i know many things about u. u have a stand when u do something, i really respect people who has stand just like u. haha. so glad that i know u and being part of my afs family. i had no friends from other races before. hope u can still maintain ur stand next year. hope 2012 will be a better year for ya. happy new year!! night (: "

38

that was the number that brought luck to me today.

Trials is in 3 weeks plus time and I'm really not ready. Which is really frightening but I know I should get to it instead of wasting my time complaining about it. I'm determined to get my As. Call me whatever you want, I WILL get my As.

I was over you or at least I thought I was, but it all came flooding back when I got a message from you. Perhaps you're like the escape, my escape from it all. My comfort zone. That's why I yearn for you so much. Perhaps it's because we're going through the similiar process and have the similiar aim, and that makes me rely on you so badly. Because having someone by my side makes me feel like things are easier, and more possible. As much as I know it'll just come back and hurt me even more, I'm happy that I sort off have you to go through this with me. I'm glad you'll be there. You might not be there for me, but you being there would just have to be enough for me right now. I'll take whatever I can have right now.

growing up does get scary at times.
and at those moments, I wished that I had you there to tell me that everything is going to be alright.

Determination

Before Valentines, I have to admit that I was pretty unexcited for it. I mean, I'm not in a relationship and the guy I have a crush on, well he doesn't know. I think I was mainly unexcited for it because everyone kept talking about it. Nontheless, I still made sure I came up with something for mummy and daddy. On Valentines, I was actually pretty excited and happy. I guess I put on the whole over the top happy perky impression so that I'd be spared the questions and awkward situations. Of which a moron didn't care to spare me that but whatever. I got chocs from a classmate the day before which was really sweet. Thought of baking cupcakes or cookies for my friends but I was too tired and well, I wouldn't know who to give and who not to give which might make things awkward. I also started my first tutor class. The girl was okay, and hopefully things will maintain to be okay. It'd be a twice a week thing, an hour and a half per class. This gives me some extra pocket money which is good thing. Ought to start saving for my after A-Levels plans so I wouldn't be such a burden to my parents.

On Friday, I suddenly got into this really determined mood. I felt as though a part of the form 3 me was back. Just to make things clearer, the form 3 me was me not giving a shit about anything petty and was full frontal in acheiving my straight As of which I did acheive. You see, towards the end of form 2, I hit rock bottom real hard and that made me not give a shit about anything and determined to prove everyone wrong. At the end of form 2, I was either failing or getting really low grades. Plus, I was in busy with band so I didn't bother to do my revision even thought I missed classes. So in form 3, I worked my ass off and it paid of. Ever since, things has been different. It was a moment in my life that I wouldn't forget and am proud of. Thus, I mention it a lot. Anyways, as I was saying, I was feeling really determined and all. On Saturday, I stayed home and went back to the beginning of my semester 2 further maths class. I've really been putting off my education this semester and well, I still need to improve on what I've learned last semester as it is obviously stated in my end of semester exam grades that I suck at it. My AS Trials is in a month and as much as I act all confident and say that I'm not worried, I'm actually freaking out. Apart from preparing for my exams, I need to do research on Universities, careers options and scholarships, SATs to take, IELTS or TOEFL to take and I also need to start on my applications. I really never thought that it'd be this hard to decide where and what to study. I mean, I've been pretty much captivated with Actuarial Science but there's always a part of me that would question, " what if I actually dont like it? What if i suck at it?" and there goes the confirmed decision.

The determined me also told myself to get over you. Yes, you. Despite my efforts to stay in denial, the more I deny it, the stronger I think the feelings get. It's those little things that keeps the feeling growing. Which is really silly of me. Everyone asking me about the whole relationship thing doesnt help either. And mum who calls you my 'part-time-boyfriend'. well, that just kills me. So yeah, I told myself I was over you yesterday and everything was fun until a while ago. That one small thing that happened made me feel like i'm falling for you all over again.
Oh boy, what am I to do.

I started on lecture 16, and I'm currently on lecture 18 which my teacher is already at lecture 23. WAY TO GO.

This is bothersome

I guess things will never go as plan. I'm a tad bit disappointed as I was truly looking forward for it. Missing someone is possibly one of the toughest feeling.

By the way, I've decided to return to blogging because this seems to be the only place where I can express it all without being judged or interrogated considering how I'm pretty sure nobody checks my blog anymore. There goes conveying it all out on Twitter. oh wells.

Anyways, I have no idea why but I've been feeling fairly down lately. Just when I think something that will cheer me up is going to happen, it doesn't. I don't recall having so many sad moments back in the good ol' school days. It's only since last year where I've had lots of sad moment. I thought it'd be gone this year, but I thought wrongly. I mean, I don't go around crying and whatnots but I tend to be really down, or be bothered by thoughts. Perhaps I should stop thinking. Perhaps then the sadness wouldn't come rushing it. I'm worried because I don't know if I'm causing my unhappiness by over-thinking or if it's just that I'm meant to be unhappy now. I hate being like this. I've really got to work on it. I'm also planning to go on hiatus, like back in form 3 where I literally dropped a part of my life, and focused on myself. I boosted up my grades like WOAH, less drama, less grey hairs, less frowns, more carefree. Okay, I really should do that.

The Day is coming. ahh, it's never exactly been a great day for me, EVER. I shall embrace myself. Expect the worst, so disappointment won't hurt so much.

It's 4.05am on Chap Goh Mei.

My last post was months ago, back when I was still in The States.

I know I say this often but omg, how time flies.

Anyways, throughout my stay in the United States of America, I recorded my daily life experiences, obstacles and feelings in the journal provided by YES and that shall be for me and me only. Since I've been back, I've reread it twice, and on both occasions, it has made me proud of myself. I've achieved things I never in a million years thought I would and made me remember how I've made it through all the obstacles. Probably not as graceful as I wanted to but I still made it. It has also reminded me of how if it weren't for my family and friends support, I might have given up.

Months have passed and I've yet to skype with any of the new connections I've made but I haven't exactly lost contact. One of the things on my list to do this year is to make sure I contact them more often.

About a month back, I attended the YES 12 Pre-Departure Camp to watch their dance performance. It was the first time I saw CH since we got back and we were talking about the regrets we have. I guess as much as we tried not to have any, I guess it's inevitable. And even if it was, we just have to accept the fact, grow and move on.

The past one year has truly made a big change to my life. Before AFS, I wouldn't have believed that I would get to be an exchange student. I wouldn't have willingly accepted two exchange students whom I didn't know into my home, life and heart. and that includes my parents willingness too. I wouldn't have believe that I could be in a family which accepts each and other for who they are, and be there disregarding the differences in age, race, wealth, gender and so on. I wouldn't have believed that I could say things without sugar coating them and yet still be loved. I wouldn't have believed that I could feel so comfortable with a group of people I've only known for less than a year. I wouldn't have believed that the bond I share with this people is eternity. I wouldn't have believed that there are such talented, intelligent and all rounder group of people who I must admit, made me felt inferior at first, but I truly respect now. And lastly, I wouldn't have believed that I've could be myself and achieve so much. The past one year, I've gained so much self-confidence and I now know that I've got a bright future ahead of me.

A year from it all, I'm currently in my second semester of A-Levels, (yes, a college student) 18, barely an adult but no longer a kid, and I'm stronger and braver than ever. The past one week was possibly the worst I've had in a while but I'm looking forward for future, where I believe that there's something great all planed for me.


till next time, toodles

Worn Path

January 15, around 11 in the morning, I stepped foot on Charlotte International Airport, North Carolina. Everything seemed so foreign to me but I couldn’t help but realize the next time I’d step foot in this airport, it would all be familiar to me. I had a week before school actually started for me, which was a good thing because it gave me time to adapt to things at home. Despite my exhaustion, I’d get up early and do things with them just so that we would bond. I have to admit that it wasn’t easy. It took me a while to really relax and open up. A week went by and before I knew it, I was laying out my attire for my first day of school. I had trouble sleeping because I was so eager to know how things would be. I went to a fairly well diverse school of more than 1500 students. I was lucky that my host sister had brought me to school a few days earlier just so that I’d roughly know where my classes are. Nevertheless, I still got lost on my third day. I was lucky because the guy who had walked me to my class the day before saw me and realized I was going the wrong direction. Today, 18 weeks later, I know my way around school, in fact, I even know the way around some of the roads. My experience so far has been truly indescribable. I can’t sugar coat it and said it’s been all ups and no downs. I’ve had my fair share amount of downs in my journey but those moments have no doubt, made me a stronger person. I’ve meet tones of people, made many new lifelong friends from not only in the United States of America but also, all around the world and most of all; I’ve truly grown as an individual myself. It was only a while ago that I was marking my first month in Charlotte and now, I’m counting down to the days I have left here. And the days I have left here, I’m going to make the utter best out of it, because this journey I’m on right now, this very journey is one of a kind.

I Shall Be

shoots, I totally forgotten I had a blog.

so okay, quick update cause I wanna sleep.

whole journey from Malaysia to USA was awesome. Love the airplane food. haha

DC was fun, bonded, more sessions, overly oriented, the weather (Y), food!

Charlotte is nice, love it here cause it's pretty and not hectic like in KL. School is okay, still adapting, still can't finish my entire meal but I'm working on it, trying to get more involved so yeah.

well, I guess I'll abandon my blog for the next few months until i'm back. No worries, everything is pretty much jotted down in my journal. so till then, toodles :)

Life.

Being unsure of how someone feels about you.
Feeling like they are mad at you.
Being misunderstood by people you care about.
Being judged by people you care about.
Feeling like you lost something that was never yours.
Feeling like you’re doing too much.
Thinking you aren’t doing enough.
Not knowing if you should say something.
Worried about what they’ll think if you do say it.
Feeling like you care more than they do.

Two Christmas

It's Christmas.
It's the time of the year when everyone is jolly. Afterall, it is the season to be jolly.
Despite actually already having our Christmas dinner a week ago, I still want another one this week. Well, probably I should just be thankful for the Christmas Eve Dinner.
Every Christmas, I tend to have a rush of different feelings from happiness to sadness to anything in between or even both. Christmas Day marks a lot of things for me of which I shall keep to myself. But yeah, these other things make me at one point be thankful for what I have but on the other, wonder if I can get more. Yes, I contradict myself A LOT. It's another bad habit of mine.
I shan't ruin everyone's else mood with my rants and contradicts. Thus, I shall end this post with non other but

MERRY CHRISTMAS

:)